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    February 05

    Just Saying...

    Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

    If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

    If you give her a house, she'll give you  a home.

    If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. 

    If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. 
    She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her. 
    So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of
     shit.'
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    December 03

    errrrr...

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    December 02

    Dog and Cat Diaries

    The Dog's Diary
     
    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

    12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

    5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


    The Cat's Diary

    Day 983 of my captivity.

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
    hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
    rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order
    to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
    attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
    I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
    demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending
    comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
    placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
    However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
    my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
    this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
    tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
    again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

    The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released,
    and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously
    retarded.

    The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with
    the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
    My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
    cell, so he is safe. For now...
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    August 17

    Just a Notation.....

    I was asked recently... if a pic of a mans ass turned me on...  I said NO.  Butt...  (pun intended)  whats does turn me on (and I didnt say this to him) is...  an agressive hand on my body....  undress me... pull my panties off where I can fell your hands as you slide them over my hips... pull my top off over my head... messing up my hair....  kiss my neck as you tongue your way down to nipples to suck hard on.   Slip your hard worked finger(s) into my pussy... as you slide your tongue down along my belly towards my pussy....  escaping that ... and down my thighs...  take your hands and pull my clit hood up and bite it softly...  make me scream a lil ..please... again and again...  Mmmmm....    roll me over...  lick my ass...  spank it a lil...  spread my pussy lips... and fuck me doggy style... 
     
    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
     
    That's my short version ;)~
     
     
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    July 26

    The Alien

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think yo u should make him mad.'
    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200  yards away in a cactus patch.
    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
    at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
    travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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    June 01

    Funny Stuff

     

    The Perfect Response
             http://www.incredimail.com/index.asp?lang=9&version=5252598&setup_id=7&aff_id=1&addon=IncrediMail&id=95202&guid=E7F409F6-A13C-41F2-9F7A-DC85B10ABB18
    The next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this ?

    I am still laughing !

    Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had, an elephant ? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

    Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.  (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her no ... I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard !

    WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

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    April 30

    Quotes

    Love is ever fleeting, but if even for a day or two, it is grand to have... 
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